Today, 1 in 3 women in the United States (approximately 35%) experience domestic violence from an intimate partner at some point in their lives, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. As of 2022, there are approximately 168.6 million women in the United States. Based on the NDVH statistics, approximately 56.2 million women will experience some form of domestic violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime.
We never think ‘anything’ will happen to us. We hear stories of those who were unfortunate, but unconsciously I believe we feel that these bad things ‘won’t’ happen to us, but then are shocked when they do. In 2017, entering my second year of college we heard about domestic violence happening. But while I listened I never thought it would ‘happen to me’, until it did.
What started as being swept off my feet, quickly led to my spirit being torn down to a depth I didn’t know was possible. For months I was dragged further into his clutches by isolation, and control while being punished for false actions he convinced himself to believe were true. He said “I love you” as he tried to break me. After each episode, he’d reel me back in saying he’d change. Each time I believed him, and each time we circled back to another episode. In one particular instance where he was at his most violent, I honestly thought to myself that “this may be the hour of my death” until a witness walked in just in time. He reconciled. He went on his knees and begged for me to give him yet another chance. But that time, that night, that day, I was done.
The following months were numb. Accepting what had happened had not been easy. I avoided my feelings and immersed myself in my schoolwork. I brushed off my experience as another ‘crazy ex’ everyone has when mine WAS ‘crazy’. I avoided therapy because I thought I could ‘deal with it’. Since, I had some relationships, but they ended on more common terms. As time passed I grew hopeless and frustrated. I decided to give therapy a shot four years later.
However, regular talk therapy wasn’t enough. Over the years, my anxiety from the experience took over my life. I unintentionally was losing weight, I was avoiding going to certain parts of town, I would have a panic attack when I would see his car, saw someone with his resemblance, etc. I was in a constant state of fear that he, or the feelings he enflicted would jump back into my life. I was on constant alert, and it was exhausting. My emotions came to a breaking point, and after years of holding myself together, I fell apart.
I attended full-time therapy for a few months to learn about my emotions, process what had happened to me, and how to move forward. Being honest with your feelings is not easy. Feelings don’t feel ‘real’ unless they are spoken aloud. The more I spoke about them, and have spoken about domestic violence, the more real it becomes and I want to make others more aware of this epidemic. I cannot change the fact that this happened to me, but I can change how I handle this experience.
It wasn’t until I turned to God that I finally came to peace with my experience. I prayed that God would forgive him and that I forgive him, so that I may move on and that he will never lay another hand on anyone the way he laid a hand on me. Forgiveness is not easily given, especially with an experience like domestic violence. But for me to move on, with the therapy, medication, and time, forgiving him was the cherry on top of this awful cake that brought me peace and strength to move forward.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and each year I reflect on how far I’ve come and I am stronger than I ever was. Love should NEVER hurt; when you finally find genuine love, those trials will be forgotten.
