In the United States, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men are victims of partner violence (ncadv.org). Over 85% of domestic abuse victims are women and the highest risk age is 18-24 year old women (domesticshelters.org).
I wanted to find my ‘prince charming’ as much as the next girl. Once graduation had come and passed, I was eager to find that guy in college. Then my sophomore year I met a guy. After a few days of texting, we decided to meet and it was too good to be true. We had similar interests, senses of humor, and our personalities complimented each other. The chemistry was strong and swept me off my feet. I thought he was it-and we quickly made the leap of faith in making our relationship official. I was elated and thought that this was love.
It started small. He would ask me where I was and who he was with whenever he was not there, and if he found out a male was in my presence, he was angry. To provide him with reassurance, I would give him access to my phone-not knowing that he was deleting any men I had on social media. He would try and find comments, messages, photos, etc. of anything with me and a man together, excluding my father and brother, was removed from my phone. I was pressured to post photos of me and this boyfriend together to let my male followers know I was unavailable. However, that still was not enough. I didn’t know what more to provide for reassurance. Since I had no answers, he found his own in violence.
The cycle of abuse is REAL, and hard to break. It is easy to say “Rachel, why didn’t you just leave?” When the incident happens and the violence is performed, the remorse and apologetic nature of your abuser is mind-altering. It’s like a drug that sucks you right back in. I truly believed it would get better, and that this was “love”. When I finally got out, I thought I would never heal and be loved by a man again.
I was in denial for weeks-not believing that this had happened to me. When we think of PTSD, we think of military men, or that it is “something in movies”. When I was experiencing it I genuinely thought I was crazy. From walking to the class being terrified to walk past someone that looked like him, to waking up in the middle of the night and seeing my abuser at the end of my bed ready to pounce. Even hugging my own dad was hard for me because it was a form of love that I associated with my abuser, and that sucked. My dad rocks.
Though it was not easy, it got better. Therapy opened doors to myself that I had never thought were there. Years later I still struggle with accepting what happened to me. But working through therapy and learning how to deal with trauma and emotions regarding abuse, and other intense events in my life has changed my perspective. I’m no longer “poor me, all this bad stuff happened to me” to “Bad things have happened to me, but I can get through them and be happy again.”
I’ve written about my experience with domestic abuse several times. Through my healing process spreading awareness about domestic violence has been empowering. My life has definitely changed from this experience and now am in some way thankful that it has shaped me into the strong woman I am today. I am not alone, you are not alone, and there is good in this world. “Love should never hurt” the saying goes. I know it, and you know it–true love is out there. Don’t let these demons taint the taste of it. It will get better.
-triple tea
Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233
